one of the things society has taught us is to be selfish. it has given each and every one of us this mentality that we deserve the best in all things. we are taught to want what we can't have and to fight for the things that mean most to us. we go about life thinking we deserve someone so perfect, someone who will love us for who we are, care for us through sickness and health. the problem is that in our selfishness, we forget about other people's needs. we focus so much on the things that please us most that we forget how to love someone unselfishly and wholeheartedly. in light of these past few weeks of reverse living, of contemplating the what ifs and what could have beens in my past, i've discovered the core of my desires lies in my selfishness. I don't know what it means to love someone with all of my heart and I have always been on the better end of the stick. I have always been the one who was spoiled and shown affection, loyalty, faithfulness, and commitment, and somehow i managed to shove love back into their faces. I look in my inner being and I take a deeper look inside of my heart and ask, why is it that i can't let go of the past? why is there still so much hope in something that has long past? it's not about how much i've grown to love, but rather how much my heart has grown to need. through all this time, i still cannot say that i want to be with someone because i care about that person wholeheartedly and because i want the best for that person. i have never known how to love someone because i was always spoiled by love. i made myself believe that my words and actions were founded on authentic and genuine love, but being completely honest with myself, i loved because they first loved, i loved not the person himself, but what that person made me feel. turn on the radio and listen to the lyrics of these secular music of today. it tells us that we deserve the best, that he isn't worth it if he doesn't treat you right. we forget how to love people, we forget how to live a sacrificial life, and we ultimately forget what love truly is.
im repulsed at how selfish i am. i'm dumbfounded when i look at the inner core of my heart and cringe in absolute disgust when i see that everything i do i do out of need, hope for reciprocity. i want to learn what it means to love. i want to live each day loving God and his people, not out of what i can get from them, but what i can help them become. the beauty of marriage isn't how much that person will love you and how faithful he will remain. the beauty of marriage is being able to serve God together, to love God together, and to build and expand His kingdom with the person you love. Relationships have a purpose and i'm learning to see beyond the hugs and the kisses, the familiarity of his presence and the comfort of his existence. we often search for reasons as to what went wrong in a relationship and in retrospect, all relationships rooted in selfish desires will ultimately fail. we are not god, we can only offer so much love before we feel emptied and need to be filled again. this give and take relationship can't last very long as history has proved itself to me over and over again.
i hope not for someone who will ultimately love me until my dying day, but that i will be so abounded in God's love that i may be a source of constant encouragement, wisdom, and support to my husband. with the future in my mind, i am not going to pray for all the qualities i wish my husband to have, but for my heart and to grow in all the ways i can offer to my husband. what will and what can i bring to the table? i haven't been single for this long in my life and i know this is the time i should relish most. i want to pray my husband into existence. i know he's out there somewhere and more than anything, i want him to be a man who desires after God's heart. I want him to love God more than he loves me and I want him to have passion and character like that of God's.
I was reading a biography on this missionary and this was what he said when he asked the girl's father for permission:
I have now to ask, whether you can consent to part with your daughter early next spring, to see her no more in this world; whether you can consent to her departure, and her subjection to the hardships and sufferings of missionary life; whether you can consent to her exposure to the dangers of the ocean, to the fatal influence of the southern climate of India; to every kind of want and distress; to degradation, insult, persecution, and perhaps a violent death. Can you consent to all this, for the sake of him who left is heavenly home, and died for her and for you; for the sake of perishing, immortal souls; for the sake of Zion, and the glory of God? Can you consent to all this, in hope of soon meeting your daughter in the world of glory, with the crown of righteous, brightened with the acclamations of praise which shall redound to her Savior from heathens saved, through her means, from eternal woe and despair?
in any given normal circumstance, my parents would most probably not let me marry someone who said that. but beneath it all, this man saw God's purpose and the much needed work in Burma. but do you see the beauty behind that love for God? it's courageous and admirable. i want a heart that understands the meaning to die to myself and to live for Him, i want to understand what it means to surrender everything before Him.
---
on a much much lighter note:
playoffs started<3 40 games in 40 nights. there's nothing better than good back to back games :]]
going home in less than a month to embrace beautiful people :]
i can't wait to say hello to three glorious months at homeee!
